Things to do:

1. tattoo
2. climb a mountain
3. travel to all continents
4. visit the pyramids
5. earn the title Dr.
6. learn a new language
7. visit Aberdeen
8. listen to ‘Dogwood Days’ live
9. publish my poetry
10. publish in Cell or Nature
11. meditate
12. embrace Buddhism
13. India
14. make a difference
15. …

Things done:

1. visited at least one of the worlds’ seven wonders.
2. watched a play
3. watched a ballet
4. been to a concert
5. learned how to play an instrument
6. had a song written for me
7. fell in love
8. fell out of love
9. been to Disneyland
10. met a famous author
11. been to a symphony orchestra
12. know how to swim
13. parasailing
14. solo camping
15. rock climbing
16. cross stitch
17. wrote poetry
18. visited three continents
19. been to a drive in theatre
20. ate a centipede
21. been captain of a sport that I couldn’t play
22. choral-speaking
23. debating
24. been in a mock company
25. volunteered
26. shadowed
27. TOEFEL, IELTS, SAT, MCAT, GRE
28. know how to cook
29. have a favorite band
30. India
31. had surgery
32. been fat, and lost weight
33. had a boy cut
34. colored my hair
35. had more than one piercing
36. smoked
37. alcohol
38. lost in a crowd (more than once!)
39. slapped (both at the receiving and giving end)
40. cried in public
41. kissed a stranger
42. vomited in public
43. inebriated beyond belief (I lost count)
44. yoga
45. prayed
46. had hair removed by every possible manner
47. diamonds
48. …

Alternative sources for Malaysian news

As I grew tired of reading the propaganda laced government controlled local Malaysian newspapers, I stumbled upon these two sites. Both sites host interesting articles on important issues with honest opinions.

www.malaysiakini.com

www.othermalaysia.org

Read away....
You'll learn so much more about Malaysia that you never knew and all that you wished you knew.

Another year, another page

Another year, another page
Another bloom, another cage

We’re walking the same paths
Singing the same tunes
Building the same dreams
Confronting the same fears

They’re fighting the same wars
Dying without a cause…

Lives marred and faces scarred
Killers born and lovers torn
Hopes detached and woes attached
Where have we come?
Where are we now?
Where is He now that men have veered?
Where was He when our souls escaped?

And we keep walking…

We’re hoping for a change
They’re begging, they’re deranged
Amidst the bombs that light their skies
The clouds of dust that line their eyes
Humanity has to prevail
Life is lost
Hopes ablaze
Laughter drowned
But the rooster crows

Yet we are still walking…

Preoccupied in our miseries
Of nothingness
Ambiguous
Indifferently
We lead our empty lives
But if everyone cared and everyone shared
And nobody avenged or despised
This could have been a better place
For another year, another page.

In unison

You pluck the strings

I press the pedal
You strum the chords
I caress the notes
You sing your heart
I mime the words
I pen my thoughts
I guard my dreams

You play your part
I act out mine
You know your lines
Mine are engraved
You never falter
I barely fail
You sail like the wind
I float away

You are the black
I am the pale (white)
We make the chord
We form the scale

You give a hand
I share a smile
You lay the flowers
I say the grace
You see the sun
I see the moon
We feel the love
We know it's true

Kurt Cobain: A personal tribute.

And they say Cobain killed himself. Certainly the evidence seems to tie into this claim; he was overly intoxicated, he hated what had become of his life and his music, he was against idol worshipping: an unavoidable outcome of being a legend, he shot himself in the mouth with a handgun. After all didn't he warn us about this through his music.... But consciously that is not what an avid fan would want to believe. Maybe there is more to it than meets the eye? Maybe he was murdered? And so claim the myriads of articles and websites and blogs disparaging Courtney Love and casting the blame on her shoulders. But does it really matter anymore? We all agree on one fact: he was a troubled prodigy. He gave us punk rock, he gave us the anthem of a generation, he gave us heart rending tunes, he gave us a passion. To some he opened an avenue to channel emotions in from anger to love, others he inspired from his journey from Aberdeen to the Billboard Top 100. To me he made me understand the pain he felt through his voice....

Having just read a collection of his JOURNALS, despite reading a commentary that I couldn't agree with more..."...and if Kurt were alive, this is the exact commercialization of emotions that he was against..." How true that claim is! To admittedly be a fan and to pry into his private life seems contradictory but I confess I just wanted to know more about the person encapsulated within his tormented soul. How would that make a difference, I dont know. Maybe getting an insight into the real Kurt makes fans like me feel a deeper connection with him or perhaps its merely to curb the insatiable hunger for extra information - an attitude that has become a stigma of our society today.

Kurdt hated rapists. Kurdt hated the KKK. Kurdt was anti corporations. Kurdt wanted to be a sincere artist. Kurdt suffered from a chronic GI condition. Kurdt was hooked on heroine. But perhaps the most significant trait to me is - Kurdt was a compassionate writer/lyricist/poet. He had an immaculate command of the language. He penned thoughts in such an abstract yet coherent manner. He had a sense of humor, he was troubled, he didn't trust the world as it was filled with fakers, he hated rock journalists.....

Reading a journal is no way comparable to a book. Uninformed are those who compare this read to that of a work of fiction. Rather this is an act of delving into another's mind and soul. Being one who gets personally affected after watching a provoking documentary, a true story inspired film, reading biographies, listening to heart felt lyrics or reflecting on poetry; I was deeply affected by this intimate collection of stories, letters, cartoon quips and lyrics that were jotted down by Kurt himself.

"Punk rock = freedom"

Sadly the founder or Nirvana himself never attained detachment or fulfillment or freedom.
Confounded by the perplexities of the music world - punk rock had been branded "alternative music" by then to increase its popularity - he thrived to alter negative images of him and his band portayed in megazines through these personal rantings. He had lost his passion. He was in indescribable pain. He branded himself a loser. Heroine controlled his life. He wanted to die and he did...

Remembering "Boddah" his childhood imaginary friend, we can't help but wonder what exactly he did, or was done to him. May his soul rest in peace, with our love and empathy.

No Reservations

It was one helluva hectic day. I had been to Buffalo, NY (3 hour bus ride, 1 1/2 hour plane ride) and back in 15 hours. The purpose of this torture: a 30 minute interview with my Pre Health Committee at my alma matter. You see I am applying for Medical School admission for the 07/08 intake and its part of the requirement for the Pre Health Committee to interview me prior to writing a cover letter to be sent out to all the schools along with my recommendation letters. To say the least, it wasn't the most pleasant of experiences. But the upside of my trip was that I had the chance to meet up with several awesome people in Buffalo. A hug and a kiss can make all the hours travelling worth it.

Back at home, dealing with all the criticsm bestowed upon me by the interviewer I just wanted to relax. No food in the fridge, but that's ok as I am not hungry. Satiated with the criticism mostly, I turn to my most loyal companion - the tube. HGTV has beocme my favorite hangout but the shows tonight are repetitions. As I scroll down the guide, I come across the TRAVEL channel. There was a show playing about Malaysia. Brilliant! I miss home awfully, so this should be helpful in reconnecting to all things familiar. As I tune in, I am not mesmerized with the place I call home but by the host: Anthony Bourdain. Standing tall and lanky, with a ciggarette in one hand, a wedding band adorning his thumb, and numerous tattoos ornamenting his body this is the host of the show. He is a chef, a novelist, a restauranteur, a travel enthusiast, unrepentant smoker and drinker and ex-heroine addict. And I am at awe with his persona. There's something about this person that is just so attractive. The balance of yin and yang you may say? His language is perfect yet flawed. His demeanor is respectful yet provoking. I watched as he explored Malaysia, its food, its culture and its natives. I have just found my new crush.

As I lay and think of you
All things cherished come into mind
Music
Love
Even coffee…
For that’s a love we share
An addiction we can’t deny

But it’s more than that….
Maybe you are my real addiction?

One that makes me happy
With a small gesture
A message
A smile
Enough to keep me going
Till I hear from you again
A smile
A sense of satisfaction....

But is this a heart shaped box I am trapped in?
My alcove of comfort and solace….
Hidden in the trenches of your sadness
My love emanates…
Innocently
Curingly
Until your pain and misery relinquish

But what if we never know what it means
And What if it isn’t what it seems
If we just kept it aside
It may one day be too late to decide…

As the seasons change
And pages begin to fade
I’ll remember the feel right now
As I lay and think of you…and explore our “when and how”?

A lesson to learn

Is it the end of an era or the beginning of something new?
Is the glass half empty or is it half full?
How can you smile when all you feel is sadness?
How do you embrace optimism when floating in a sea of pessimism?
How should you move forward when your shadow is lost in your past?

But you have to keep moving ahead for nothing lies in the past
It will taunt you, torment you and keep pulling you back….
Forcing you to cower in the comfort of all things familiar….
but at the end it’s a chasm
A pit of things that were and will never again be
Times that were and will never again be
Memories that were and will soon fade away, one fragment at a time
Until all that’s left is vagueness in the mind….

For even the sun, as it sets, doesn’t weep on leaving the horizon
He shines his rays, gloriously till nightfall
Hopeful, knowing
Tomorrow awaits my glow

But how do we move forward with chains in our feet?

Liberate yourself
Free your soul from all attachments for there only lies one truth
We came alone and so will we leave
One life, one soul, alone
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes…

Happy Birthday Didi - 11/29/2005

Mirror of my life

Its 1 a.m. and yes I should be fast asleep, rejuvenating myself for yet another hectic day at work - elaborate experiments wait to be executed, cells to be cultivated and journals to be updated. But I have other things on my mind, boggling me. Every now and then I get bouts of sheer pandemonium about my existence, my life, my very purpose on this populated land we affectionately call home. In the past, I have been very restless about my future that seemed to be changing like autumn foliage. But today, firmly secured with a rather rewarding (mentally) job I am at ease. I can feel a sense of poise emanating from within but not in all aspects.

Three complete years after I walked away from home, I still yearn for where I belong.

"....I long for the sense of belonging to a place called home."

But...my journey to fulfill my dream has just begun. How will I make it till the end? Life is to be savored along the way - so is my belief. With only one of the myriad of things that make my life complete, I struggle to hike to the end of the path, reassuring myself that it is the product of my patience and perseverence which will pay off someday. However, there is a caveat: the fruit of my labor is not going to return the forgotten friends, forsaken ties, lost moments...

I realise this completely today. But was I aware of this then? Or maybe I was blurred with other visions of immediate gratification....

A friend like none before

It was like losing a prized possesion
a treasure
walking away from all i knew
the love, the warmth
and you
a friend like none before.

A protective arm
an affectionate smile
a reassuring hug
an attentive ear to pour my woes to
all this and a little more i had in you.

We cared for each other being miles apart
We walked together but in paths diverged
and eventually
all we saw were silhouettes
of you
of me
of morning walks, evening drives and coffees sipped
while the crowd drowned us
distanced us
and all i had left was a hand clutching a pendant...

A piece of my heart has since been carved
with those handful moments
adorned
with the bitter truth
scarred
of realisation
of never having having your shoulder by me again
ever...

A piece of my heart has been carved
by you
unknowingly, unrealisingly
you left footprints in my mind.

A path often revisited
when loneliness creeps in
when the dire need to be heard arises
when my heart longs for a dear friend
it weeps
silently
for paths veered
for a bond that's in eclipse
vanishing
into the unknown
for a friendship that could have given so much more
joy
comfort
togetherness
for a love fostered
for eternity,
long after the memories fade
if ever.

A fallen leaf

A fallen leaf,
a lost hope,
an uncertain destiny.

Floating aimlessly,
guided by the flow;
a past so perfect,
a future unknown,
That's what I have become.

Throughout the years,
through night and day,
i dreamed and aspired,
strived and perspired;
i smiled and cried,
fought and bribed;
to have it my way.

but as my dream emerged
i drowned in despair

what i had seen
what i had known
turned to dust
flown to realms unknown

no stone unturned
no chance dismissed
maybe i tried too hard.
ripped my three leaf clover
burnt my shooting star...
to gain what i wanted and loose all i had.

that's why i say
i am nothing but a fallen leaf.
too eager
too soon
to fly away
and as autumn swings by...it falls
detached
alone
free
tumbling, summersaulting
swept by the wind
gleefully, into the river...
to float
away, and away, and away....

but as familiar land disappears,
so does the zeal and all the dreams
loneliness engulfs
anguish creeps
fear encroaches

what have i dreamt of?

Sisters are forever...

From laughter and tears,
to hope and fears,
Throughout the years;
Sister are forever...

From secrets shared,
to feelings bared,
A love undeclared;
Sisters are forever.

A bond so strong,
that rights all the wrong,
and draws us back to where we belong...
Sisters are forever.

To my sister, who brings a smile even in the gray....i love you with all my heart.

True friendship.

~to a friend so true, so loving, so kind...~

Thinking of the day we met brings a smile to my heart,
Those two little angels whose friendship sparked right from the start
With the laughter and tears we shared together
The secrets we made, the pacts to each other,
We created a bond that would soon be our shelter...

As we grew and embraced each day as it came
We blossomed like flowers after the April rain
Now relieved of the burden of petth fights and brawls
There were bigger issues that drew us up the walls!

Of broken hearts and swollen eyes
Of stories told and clandestine lies
I found in you an angel true,
Who guided me out of the blue..
Who smikled at me when hope was gone.
Who held my hand until the dawn..
You were like a candle whose flame goes brighter in the darkness...

And now our parts have diverged again
We are torn apart I feel the pain
Everything will change as time flies by
But my love for you will never die.

I hope I have been half the friend you were to me,
For you are the best a friend could ever be;
If you ever need me, I'll be there for you
'Coz friendship never ends, and this bond will stay true...

~manndeep~
Augusut, 2004

~ Songs of my heart ~

Below is a list of songs that are close to my heart...
Music is food for the soul, indeed.

1.Kau Ilhamku..
(You are my inspiration)

Beribu bintang di langit kini menghilang
Meraba aku dalam kelam...
Rembulan mengambang kini makin suram
Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah.

Sedetik wajahmu muncul dalam diam
Ada kerlipan ada sinar
Itukah bintang ataupun rembulan
Terima kasih ku ucapkan.

Izinkan ku mencuri bayangan wajahmu
Izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu
Maafkanlah...
Andai lagu ini menganggu ruangan hidupmu
Kau senyumlah...
Sekadar memori kita di arena in...

Kau ilhamku....

~Manbai~


note: This is just one of the songs that makes my heart skip a beat....for ties invisibly bound to it, for memories awakened by it...so very vividly, for reasons only known to my frail heart...


2. Ye hassen vaadiyaan - Roja

Ye haseen vaadiyaan ye khula aasmaan
Aa gaye hum kahan ay mere saajna
In bahaaron mein dil ki kali khil gayi
Mujhko tum jo mile har khushi mil gayi

Tere honthon pe hain husn ki bijliyaan
Tere gaalon pe hain zulf ki badliyaan
Tere baalon ki khushboo se mehke chaman
Sangmarmar ke jaisa ye tera badan

Meri jaanejaan ye hai teri chaandni
Chhed do tum aaj koi pyaar ki raagini

Tere aanchal ki chhaaon ke tale meri manzil mujhe mil gayi
Teri palkhon ki chaaon ke tale mohaabat mujhe mil gayi

Jee karta hai saajna dil mein tumko bitha loon
Aa masti ki raat mein apna tumko bana loon
Uthne lage hain toofan kya meer seene mein ay sanam
Tumhein chaahoonga dilon jaan se meri jaanejaan teri kasam

3. Humsafar - Silk Route

Hum jo chale, tum bhi chalo saath
Phir kya khabar ke din hain ke raat
Bas mein nahin rahenge jazbaat
Tum jo sanam hamare chalo saath....

Sur se saji geeton si teri
Tujhbhin sanam bhaye na koyi baat
Asie kaho chaloon aaj
Aao sanam sune hain dil ke saaz

Kaise bhi rahen ho kaisi dagar
koyi bhi rasta ho koyi safar ho
Chalte rahen hum jo tum humsafar ho

Din ye kahe bheto hamare saath
Aao idhar ishara kare raat
hum ko magar cahiye wohi shaam
jis par sanam likha ho tera naam

chandni raatein yann (........)
chahe din ka wo koyi paher ho
chalte rahein hum jo tum humsafar ho

Galiyon mein phirta hain banjara dil ye
Tujhko hi dhoondega awara dil ye
Karta hain jaane ishaare kya dil ye

*note: if anything can be super-special..thats this...beautifully crafted,
awesome voice, perfectly performed...and i simply love the lyrics...
simple, yet so profound

*...more to come*

Quotable Quotes and Thinkable Thoughts.

A smile has nothing to do with the teeth, and everything to do with the eyes.
-Bhatt

Even a stopped clock is right two times a day...
- Newsweek article

untitled

untitled.
if i were to pen down my life that's the heading it would bear.

like an untitled paper
a publication that's waiting,
waiting for someone to name it
identify its purpose
to spell out its gist
in black and white.

so am i, incognito.
searching for my reason
contemplating the purpose of my existence
vindicating everything i do
but i dont have an author
a make
a manufacturer.

i am just me.
made of sand and dust
donned in a soul
a mind that soars
a heart that longs...boundlessly
for things it should and not.

for, what are we without a purpose
an aim
an ambition
a conrtibution
merely populating this land like the rest?
but arent we superior?
weren't we the chosen species
to reign
to rule
but on whom?
on each other?
with intellect that transcends itself
what are we trying to achieve?
i have no answers.

looking for my own truth
i found a dark hole.
endless
that we are all engulfed in
suffocating
it goes round and round
taking us all into its endless motion
and once you are in,
there is no turning back
for you have been victimised...
victimised by the circle called life.

it may seem bright
only until you open your eyes.

looking into the mirror
i saw not a face
but a reflection
of light and darkness
of uncertainty
of joy engulfed in sorrow
of a past full of memories
of a future, undecipherable.

if the past is a basis of the future
i am an unfathomable collection of memories,
untitled.

Prayer

A prayer

All the prayers I lay by his feet,
Have now been answered without deceit,
Grateful being blessed with all my dreams,
Why was my heart still not at ease?

Was this all I really wanted?
Is this what my heart desired?
A fear arose and then I wondered,
Perhaps I didn't want it to be answered.

Across the oceans for a love so strong,
A journey away from where I belong;
I thought I knew what lay ahead,
But fate had plans I never made.

All by myself in a land unknown,
I was reaping what I had sown;
Where was the love that brought me this way ,
At times when I was weak and gray...

Now I realize it was an illusion,
Of love and lust, of care and passion;
I wish tht prayer I had asked,
Was never heard, never answered...

Love, Immortalised.

Yesterday
As your gaze fell on mine,
I lost my heart completely.
I was swept off my feet into a world of dreams, so swiftly.
Never will I understand why it had to end
Why was I left with my heart to mend?
But little did I know of how your heart longed for me,
Of the pain you hid so I could be free...

I never knew this love would last so long,
Through it all I barely realized we shared something so strong.
You have always been there like I never knew you would be
Like an anchor by the shore, holding on to our fantasy.
You never drifted though the tide took me worlds away from you,
You believed in me even when my shadow was out in the blue...
Words fail me when I think of how much you mean to me.
I wish life wasn't this cruel,
If only destiny could carve a smile at us.

Today,
Tears overwhelm me just to think how far we have come
But the future is still uncertain; we don't know the outcome...
The happiness of seeing you is beyond words
To hear you voice is to know that prayers are heard.

To bring us together, and tear us apart,
To feel each other, but only being close at heart...
Does He know what fate has thrown in our path?
For you and I may never be,
A truth that rips every inch of me...
Will I ever know if we are meant to be?

As I smell your breath when your cheek touches mine,
My heart skips a beat; the feeling is divine.
I wish to store this moment in my heart,
A place in time where love will never part.

Someday,
When the sun shines into our lives,
And happiness flows out of every smile;
If I am in your arms for that one last breath,
We will know that the path we took was indeed blessed.